ACDC Sacks Manager! Fans Response: About Time!

(Washington DC) From the Arlington VA practice facilities of AC D.C. emerge reports that the ownership of AC D.C. has fired their long-time manager, who goes by the various aliases: Opus, The Penguin, The “Retarded” One. AC D.C. has been struggling this season on the men’s squad, having netted only 7 points the entire season, and once again, only narrowly avoiding relegation.

The Chairman of the Board, evil brain surgeon, Dr. W. Chong-Yuen Jean, famous for his invention commonly known as the “Infectotron” which has maimed and crippled many people, spoke to the press after the final game of the season on Saturday morning when AC D.C. lost 4-1 in a lackluster performance.

“It is time to make a change. Opus has been the manager a long time, but the team clearly needs to move forward under better leadership. When you lose to the last-place team in the league by 6 goals….when we have brilliant attacking players and only manage 11 goals all season, clearly it’s not the players’ fault but the manager’s,” said Jean.

Fan reaction has been mostly in favor of the ownership’s decision. Said Hugh G. Organ of Centreville, “It’s about f*$king time! That wine-soaked, pompous c#*t has run this team to the ground. How can you win only 2 games with the best players in the league?” Amanda Huginkiss of DC offered a differing viewpoint, “I liked the Penguin. He’s cute.”

This season has also seen AC D.C. face other controversies off the pitch. Aging striker Parham “The Assassin” Farid was caught carousing at his newly opened bar, at one time, 7 nights in a row, while missing several team functions. Newly acquired forward, and top-scorer of the season, Justin Peabody was caught in a name-change scandal, during which the team wanted him to “be Brazilian,” and be known by the single moniker “Mumbles.” The player continues to refuse.

Clearly, the clubhouse is need of a leadership change. Opus, pictured above cheering at the 2006 World Cup in Germany, was not available for comment, but did send his agent, the infamous Drew Flowerhaus, to talk to this reporter. He said, “Opus clearly regrets the results this season. He wants everyone to know that the players are not to blame. They are skillful, and they work very hard. The fact that they cannot play together effectively is the manager’s fault, but he regrets that he won’t have the opportunity to affect change in the future.” He further adds, “Losing 6 nil to the last-place team was a big deal to the ownership for some reason. For all sorts of reasons that game, AC D.C. players were not available, so I’m not sure what the Chairman wants the manager to do in that situation.”

The game in question took place in mid-September against the Vin Rovers. A win in that game would have put AC D.C. in a much better position with a point-total equal to their first season last fall. However, the bench was decimated at that time. Goalkeeper Todd was out with a mysterious syphilitic infection, and forwards Groblewski, Peabody and Mazzuca were all abducted by aliens, only to be returned the following week. Defensive stalwart Lominska was also unavailable because of diaper-changing duties.

As to the question who will replace The Penguin to lead the talented players of AC D.C., Jean was uncharacteristically reticent. Rumor has it that AC D.C. will replace The “Retarded” One with the “Special” One, but Jose Mourinho has already denied that he will manage AC D.C., saying, “I will not manage AC D.C..” Another speculation has captain Jeff Cruz becoming once again player-manager, but the ownership has denied such consideration. Jean said, “Cruz already has a job and it is to be captain. Who will manage our great players in the spring? We’ll just have to see.”

Jean then gave a strange wink to the cameras, as if to hint that he, the evil brain surgeon, will try his own hand at the managerial task. God save the players and fans of AC D.C.!