Monday Morning Report: June 29

-Another year ends

-The man with two grills

AC D.C. finished its sixth year of playing football on Saturday. Much like the US v. Brazil game on Sunday, ours was a game of two halves.  Against the win-less FC Griggs, we came out strong and dominated possession, made sensible passes and threatening crosses.  Our goal came in the middle of the first half.  Jan, playing his last game in his 6-year AC D.C. career, crossed the ball into the box and Matt Welch finished with aplomb.  

Our problems came in the second half, when an aggressive offense posture led to some glaring defensive errors.  Our play deteriorated to a "fourth grade" level as our opponent kept reinforcing with new substitutions fresh off the highway.  The final score of 3-1 is a bit flattering for our opponents (who still finished below us in the standing), but this is a game we should never have lost.  Oh well.

And so, another year ends.  I awoke today with the bewildering sense of not knowing what to do with myself.  "What do you mean there's no AC D.C. football?"  Such a strange sensation. So, I occupied myself with milling around the house, watching old movies, folding laundry etc.

A big thank you to Matt Welch for offering up his cooking skills.  When a man has two grills, you know he means serious business.  The salmon was simply outrageous.  Keep that coming.

Wednesday work outs to start this week. See you boys and girls soon.  

Monday Morning Report: June 22

With a boat-load of our regular co-ed players out of town this weekend, the squad that played in the semifinals today was more the "extended family" of AC D.C. than the core. It was not surprising, therefore, that our passing and timing were both "off" during the first half against our recent nemesis "Half Time Orange Slices."  We had players of significant skill on the pitch, but to cite a Cruyffism here, "Football is simple, but the hardest thing there is, is to play simple football."  We had trouble clearing our lines, and trusting each other to make the easy passes.

Our opponent took advantage of our miscues quite frequently before the interval.  One of their attacks into the box was cleared away with a perfectly timed tackle by our make-shift right back, Hannah.  Unfortunately, the call for "sliding" was made, and the ref awarded a PK.  They went up 1 nil.

The second half was an entirely different affair, perhaps because of the arrival of Jamie and Ramon.  Who is Ramon?  Why, he's the quicker, younger, skinnier replacement for Mumbles of course.  See what happens when you take 3 weeks off to battle Anacondas in the Amazon?  You get replaced!  Ha!  (kiddin' Mumbs....we luv ya!)

The midfield play in the second half was better, as Ali and Paul learned to trust the new players around them.  Standing in for George, Robb and Anna, our friend Jessie made some fine saves in goal, especially during a break-away in the middle of the half.  Our equalizer came as Paul played a brilliantly-weighted lead pass to Ramon, who was zipping down the right wing (the speed was Toussaintesque!).  Ramon's shot was stopped by the keeper but the rebound was thumped into the goal by Captain Matthew.  Way to lead the team!

We had them on the heels for the last 10" but simply couldn't finish the job.  Then, unlike previous years, we went directly into the PK shootout.  I was optimistic to say the least, because unlike last season, "Orange Slice" didn't have their giant, sure-handed goalkeeper today.  

The first set of 5 shooters took their chances, and we were still tied.  And so, we went into sudden death.  They made.  Paul stepped up.  He buried it.  They made again.  Ramon stepped up. And it hits the post! Ok, Mumbles, maybe you're not fired just yet!  (Just kiddin' Ramon. Unlucky.)

And so for the second season in a row, we are ousted from the playoffs by "Orange Slices" in the penalty shootout.  I am beginning to dislike oranges.  No oranges for me until we beat these guys.

With that result, it's apparent that Jan has played his last co-ed game for AC D.C.  He ended his brilliant six-year career with last week's 1-0 victory.  I am disappointed because this co-ed squad has been producing great football....simple football....throughout this season.  Who knows what would have happened if we were able to keep the integrity of our roster intact for these playoffs?

Anyway....

To quote my countryman in "The Hangover," "Tooduh-roo, mudda fuckahs."

'Til the next co-ed season....

Special Report: Georgie ties the knot

On a beautiful, sunny Saturday afternoon in Charlottesville, Georgie married the transcendent Megan Underwood, with just about half the state of West Virginia in attendance (What the heck is that John Denver song?)  Befitting of his moniker KG7 (for King George VII), George got to boss me around, as I chauffeured the groom from point-to-point ("Chop, chop Chinaman!").  Of course, he knows I love him and would do anything for him, so the heavy responsibility of making sure the groom showed up on time was my honor to bear.  

It was a beautiful affair and the weather cooperated nicely even though our polyester shirts and three-piece tuxedos made it a bit sweaty for the groom.  I didn't have the opportunity to roast the groom, nor did I have the courage to snatch the mic from the DJ. But if I had had the chance, this is what I would have said to the guests in attendance:

"You folks may notice something odd about George and his groomsmen.  Two of us are in over forties, and the best man's own wedding took place when George was 13!  So, why does he have these....why does he need these 'mature' gentlemen in his life?  (pause) Clearly, to balance his own immaturity!

We love Georgie Boy, but don't ever try debating him as reasonable gentlemen.  He'll close his eyes, hold his breath and refuse to exhale until he gets his way.  The newest juvenile shenanigan that Georgie has grown fond of, is texting me when he is, shall we say...using the facilities.  If that's not love, well then.....that's really not love. Yuk!

If you look at it 'on paper,' there're very few reasons why George and I should be friends.  Not only is there a gross mismatch in age, we also come from very different backgrounds and cultures.  He's loud and obnoxious.  I'm contemplative and docile.  He cheers for Man U, and I cheer for Arsenal.  But we found each other playing soccer and discovered our shared passion for the beautiful game.  And from there, we discovered other things about each other as well.

Behind the veneer of the beer-guzzling hill-billy and the charade of the loud-mouth yuckity-yuk lies a kind soul...an intelligent person, who is curious about what the world beyond Appalachia has to offer....a sensitive and gentle man to the people who surround him.  He frequently puts other people's needs ahead of his own, and has the spectacular ability of anticipating them to offer help just at the right moments.  

He and I were sharing a plate of wings at Bailey's one time, when I found myself short on napkins.  Being accustomed to our friend Jeff's response at these moments ("Eleonor!  Napkins!!"), I was surprised when Georgie got out of his seat, and returned with napkins...just for me!  And his kindness and consideration for his friends extend beyond just paper products.  It is this gentle kindness, coupled with his youthful exuberance, that us mature gentlemen have grown to admire.

I have grown very fond of George and Megan, and I love them dearly. With all that I am, all that is mine, and everything in my ability, I would give them anything they need to start their life together... and beyond. Ultimately, that is because I know that George would do the same for me.  

Cheers for the beautiful couple."

Well, that's what I would have said, had I the courage to grab the mic.  We love you Georgie! Have a happy and safe honeymoon!

Monday Morning Report: June 15

- Reilly's return

- Playoff win, one nil to AC D.C.

- Team stench

Some people can't handle stress. Then, there are others who thrive on it, perhaps because of the thrill of it. I think that's why people choose a career in brain surgery....or manage AC D.C.

Despite trying everything to lose the game, AC D.C. co-ed was still able to avenge the defeat to DC Juggernaut during the season and advance to the semifinals. The disintegration of the roster has been well reported. Half of our regular team is currently out of town. And then, there was Kelley's birthday party Saturday night (Happy Birthday, Kelley). At the time of writing, we still don't know whether Lindsay is stuck in a ditch somewhere (update: she's texted in...she's alive!). Hannah and Kelley made it to the game, only to hear the final whistle 2 minutes after.

So, managing the quarterfinals today was thrilling, to say the least. Playing one woman short the whole game, we were nevertheless able to neutralize their attack. Robb had some world-class saves which kept us in the game. Our break-through came in the second half when a well-delivered corner pinged into the net for an own-goal. Luck has a way of going-around and coming-around. We've certainly had our bad luck in the playoffs in the past. This week, it was our opponents' turn.

With the result today, the co-ed squad advances into the semifinals next week on Sunday. We'll play "Half Time Orange Slices," the team with the giant goalkeeper to whom we lost in PKs last playoffs. Revenge? The roster problem continues, however. Robb is on vacation. Kelley is at summer camp. Peter is at the beach, which, curiously enough, in German is called "Der Strand." Mumbles is still fighting off native tribes in the Amazon who all want to eat him. And oh, Georgie is getting married. So, we have no "regular" keeper for the weekend. Or at least someone who has played recently. The veterans will remember a time when the penguin manager kept goal routinely, saved some PKs during the playoffs to advance the team, and even started a championship game between the sticks. I know my keeper uniform is somewhere in the attic...now, where could it be?

Word out on the street is that Mike Reilly is finally scheduled to return to D.C. in August. As one founder-forward departs (Jan may have played his last co-ed game today), another returns. Let's hope Mike's pleasure-travel schedule doesn't keep him away, more than his L.A. fellowship did!

Finally, many of you have complained to me that our team smells really bad. And there have been many conjectures where or from whom the stench has been coming from. I have the verdict. I found out the hard way that it is definitively coming from Jeffy's shinguards. Oh for the sake of Allah! I nearly passed out. I have bought him new shinguards not but a year ago, but like so many things I get him, he refuses to use them. Instead, he has to stink up the team, not only with his playing, but with that smelly fetid plastic. Please make him throw them away!

'til next week...

Monday Morning Report: June 8

George just declined to speak with me on the phone because he has teeth-whitening treatment "until 10:45."  I'm sorry, but how gay is that? I realize the wedding is in two weeks, but how do you spell w-h-i-p-p-e-d?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHRIS LOMINSKA!

There is no "real" AC D.C. football to report, but fearing the Georgie boy will accuse me of neglect again, I've decided to write a post anyway.  

The men's game on Saturday was cancelled by WISL for league reasons.  On a beautiful, warm, sunny afternoon, we decided to play just for fun.  We got to play on the lower field at Georgetown, which, we found out, retains quite a bit of heat.  Have you all noticed how much Mumbles sweats?  Well, I found out the hard way.  I had the misfortune of guarding him on one play (it's very difficult....the man is surprisingly quick!), and he backed into me with quite a bit of force.  The tragic consequences are best played out, if you imagine them in slow motion.  A torrent of sweat bounced from the junior penguin to the senior.  I felt like I ran through a sprinkler system...or a communal shower...of Mumble-sweat. Yuk. Needless to say, I ran straight for the decontamination unit at the hospital.  

Other funnies include the link I found here, that parents-to-be should read with care.  Eric Gunnar Peter Ramshaw?  Cristiano Edwin Ji-Sung Todd?  What I found particularly funny was the brand of Chinese condoms.  Didn't think that my countrymen used condoms?  Why else would there be 1 billion of them?  

Finally, Laura just wanted to be mentioned.....in pink.

Right.

Please consider the Real Madrid game (info in a blog below with Real Madrid logo).  The deadline is Monday June 8.